A Crazy Few Months

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I originally wrote this blog a few weeks ago when things had calmed down. Before I had a chance to publish it I was swept up in another few weeks of frenzied activity.

What a crazy few months I had. When I started to feel better and gained some clarity I decided to get off my arse and get a job. I updated my CV and put it online. I wanted a part-time job so that I could focus on building up the business again.

The day after I uploaded my CV I had a call from a recruitment consultant about a job. It was a full-time role but my gut instinct was to be open to it, so I agreed that the consultant could put me forward. A couple of days later I had a telephone interview.

During the interview I was surprised to learn the hours were 7.30 am – 5 pm. I was also surprised and dismayed to find out that there was a ‘no trouser’ policy for all female members of staff i.e. all females must wear skirts or dresses, there was no swearing permitted at work, no talking unless it was related to the job in hand and the company’s values included obedience. I very nearly voiced my concerns and said that I didn’t think I was the right fit for this role.  Instead I nodded and smiled and said that it all sounded wonderful. My friends thought it was very funny and said that it would never last.

The face to face interview went well and I was offered the position on the same day, even though they usually do two interviews. In spite of my misgivings my gut instinct was to accept the offer and so I did.

I felt this was an excellent opportunity to work on self-discipline, which is something I lack. I knew that if I was to survive working those hours I would need to have a routine and healthy habits in place. I also knew it would be good for the rebel in me to learn how to behave in a work environment. I have a history of complaining and being difficult, mainly as I resent being told what to do. I decided that in this role I would take ownership of any problems that arose and avoid being difficult or blaming others. This was hard and I had to constantly remind myself to behave.

My routine included chanting every day, which helped me to focus on invoking my Buddhahood (wisdom, courage and compassion) and seeing Buddhahood in others. When people annoyed me I chanted for their happiness.

Very quickly I confirmed what I already knew; that I was ill suited to employment. I decided to make a plan to get my business up and running again and in the meantime give 100% to my job.

‘Mr. Toda [Second President of the SGI*] said that the most important thing is to first become an indispensable person wherever you are. Instead of moaning over the fact that a job is different from what you’d like to be doing, he said, become a first-class individual at that job. This will open the path leading to the next phase in your life, during which you should also continue doing your best. Such continuous efforts will absolutely land you a job that you like, one that supports your life, and allows you to also contribute to society.’ – sgi.org

Unfortunately, or fortunately, as the case may be, I was given a week’s notice after seven weeks of working there. I have to admit I was very happy and struggled to hide my glee. So finding myself unemployed, I focused on building up my business. The initial glee wore off as I started to worry about how I could support myself and pay off my rent arrears and debts.

I reminded myself there is always a solution to every challenging situation and with my Buddhist practice I can make the impossible possible. Although I could not see any way I could earn enough money and have sufficient time to work on the business, I had faith that the answer would come.

Within two days I was offered an amazing business opportunity with low investment and low risk. I am now a partner in an exciting new business venture: Local Values. This new business fits perfectly with my current business: Suffolk Social Media and gives me the opportunity to support local, independent businesses.

This turn of events leaves me feeling awe-inspired and grateful at the power of my positive thinking, my Buddhist practice and the Universe. I love the new venture and every day I wake up feeling excited and eager to start work.

My friends and boyfriend have been incredibly supportive. I am truly blessed to have such amazing people in my life. Thank you.

Although my income has increased as a result of the new business, I still have some money concerns and I remind myself to focus on love and gratitude instead of fear and trust that abundance will come.

*SGI – Sokka Gakkai International, a socially engaged Buddhist organisation. sgi.org

Sending Love and Light to the President Elect

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I thought Brexit was bad but Donald Trump as President! That’s taking the p*ss. To be fair, Hilary Clinton was only a marginally better choice in my humble opinion and it is slightly concerning that Trump and Clinton were the best candidates that could be found.

Joking aside, it is a serious matter and we have a choice. We have a choice between love and fear. (See my previous post – ‘It all comes down to a choice between love and fear’.) We can all take responsibility for making the world a better place.

As Marianne Williamson reminds us in her Facebook Live interview, Donald Trump was elected by a democratic process and we must respect that.

I feel it’s important to remember that Donald Trump is another human being and he has Buddha nature within him, as we all do. So I’m calling on everyone around the world, whatever your religion or beliefs, to pray for Donald Trump’s happiness and send him love and light.

This is an exciting time. It is an opportunity for us to change the world. Take responsibility and ask yourself, ‘What little thing can I do today to make the world a better place?’

 

 

*Picture credit: https://pixabay.com/en/donald-j-trump-election-presidential-1342298/

 

Silent Retreat

Mermaid Colouring

On Saturday I had my own little silent retreat at home. I switched off the phone at 4 pm and spent the rest of the day and evening reading, meditating, tapping, chanting and colouring. I used to do this regularly but my practice has lapsed and I haven’t done it for the best part of a year or even longer. Spiritual teachers such as Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra recommend doing this regularly.

I have to be honest with you, as the time for me to ‘unplug’ approached I resisted it and I was even a little scared. I knew how much I would benefit from it though and I managed to persevere. I’m glad I did. It was a great way to relax and recharge.

Thank you for reading my blog. I’m grateful to my readers, firstly for reading it and also for the wonderful feedback and encouragement I receive.

I hope you enjoy my blog posts and if you find them helpful, then that’s even better. If you like to subscribe to receive an email when I publish a new post you can do so here: http://eepurl.com/cb5stb.

If you enjoy reading my blog posts and feel guided to do so, please share them with others and or make a donation by clicking here.

Journal 18th August 2016

Focus on what you want

Well I’m still up and down. I’ve been tired still. Last week, one of my Buddhist friends sent me a fantastic article about chanting to be become a man / woman of unlimited self- esteem for two weeks and the profound effects it will have. In the article it said that initially all the negativity will come up to the surface to be cleared and it certainly did.

Over the weekend all my old negative thoughts started going round and round in my head and I ended up in a downward spiral of negativity. I felt desperate to the point where I called 111 because I just wanted the pain to stop. Because I’d been having suicidal thoughts they advised me to go to A&E. I started driving to A&E but I felt that it would be a mistake, so I started chanting through my tears. My boyfriend Andy called me and told me to go to him and I decided to do that instead. I also called my friend Val and she helped. I realised that I hadn’t tapped or chanted (apart from in the car), so I tapped and I felt better within a few minutes. I’m glad I didn’t go to A&E. Conventional medicine is not the answer. I have to find the root of my childhood pain and find a spiritual solution, with the support and love of my boyfriend and friends.

I am a big believer that what you think about and what you focus on is what you get. I know that I’ve been focusing too much on feeling tired and depressed. I know that I’m putting the wrong messages out to the Universe. I need to change my focus.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we won’t have problems, of course we will and having problems is part of our journey and how we grow and become better human beings and ultimately become happy. And when we do have problems, it’s important to acknowledge the negativity, rather than covering it over with positive thoughts. Once acknowledged we can then move to positive thoughts and action. And while it’s important to acknowledge negativity, we want to avoid setting up camp and dwelling there.

At the moment business is quiet and I’ve only been working part-time. It’s good to only work part-time and have time to reflect and rest. It is not so good financially but again I need to focus on what I want financially and stop putting out negative thoughts to the Universe. I’m taking things one day at a time, step by step and trusting that everything will unfold in the right way.

I think part of the reason that I’ve been feeling low is because I’m not fulfilling my mission, which I believe is to help myself and others become happy, through sharing my experiences. I have lots of ideas on how to do this but fear is holding me back. I’m scared that I won’t make enough money from it. Again, I’m focusing on the wrong thing. I downloaded an audio book by Wayne Dyer, ‘10 Secrets to Success and Inner Peace’ this week and synchronistically he talks about that very thing and how to overcome it. I also had a bit of a ‘light bulb’ moment, when I realised that I keep hoping that I will win the lottery or receive a windfall, so that I can finance my mission. I realised that I have it the wrong way round. I need to take steps to fulfil my mission to help others and then the abundance will come.

I hope you enjoy my blog posts and if you find them helpful, then that’s even better. If you like to subscribe to receive an email when I publish a new post you can do so here: http://eepurl.com/cb5stb.

If you enjoy reading my blog posts and feel guided to do so, please share them with others and or make a donation by clicking here.

 

Journal 9th August 2016

Breakdowns often precede the greatest breakthroughs.

It’s been a while – I know. Although I’ve been feeling more positive on the whole, I have been up and down and feeling quite tired. I’ve had problems with depression and fatigue since I was a teenager. I recently had a Tapping therapy session with my great friend, Val Chater, and we cleared a lot of pain from my childhood that is causing that. Lots of issues are still coming up to be cleared and Val gave me a Tapping sequence that I can use for myself when issues come to the surface. I am certain that I will emerge from this period of uncertainty stronger than ever and ready to move forward with my mission to help others through my writing and in any other ways that I can.

Being tired has led me into bad habits. I’ve been getting up late, watching TV and then I’ve been running behind schedule. As the business is quiet, I should have plenty of time to work on my mission but a slow start in the morning has led to lethargy and feeling like I’m always catching up.

I’ve also been slack with my chanting; only squeezing in five minutes here and there. I found that I stopped enjoying the chanting and so I was putting it off. I chanted to change that a few days ago and since then I’ve been inspired by other SGI* members to start chanting with vigour again. This morning I woke up early and chanted at 6 am. Although I was half-asleep when I started, by the time I finished I was filled with energy and motivation. I’ve had time to chant, enjoy a healthy breakfast, spend time on my writing and I will start work at around 9 am.

As SGI leader, President Daisaku Ikeda says,

“Anyone who has ever made a resolution discovers that the strength of that determination fades in time. The moment you feel that is when you should make a fresh determination. Tell yourself, “OK! I will start again from now!” If you fall down seven times, get up an eighth. Don’t give up when you feel discouraged—just pick yourself up and renew your determination each time.”

*SGI – a socially engaged Buddhist movement. http://www.sgi.org/

Journal 23rd July 2016

Felixstowe

 

Life is good. I feel soooo much better. I’m sure it’s partly because I’ve increased my dose of anti-depressants, as well as putting in place good habits such as gratitude, healthy eating and exercise. I’d like to spend more time on my Buddhist practice, meditation and focusing on my intentions. It will come.

I want to say something about my decision to go back on the higher dose of anti-depressants. I talked to my wise friends and one of them reminded me that everything comes down to a choice between love and fear. I felt that the loving thing to do would be to go back on the higher dose of anti-depressants. Once I’ve established healthy habits I can think about reducing the dose again and this time I will taper off slowly and carefully.

Business is still quiet and I am loving the time and space that’s allowing me. I feel very relaxed. I still need to increase my income and I have found a job reading Angel cards for a psychic phone line!

Today I am off to my favourite place – the beach – with my amazing boyfriend. I’m looking forward to swimming in the sea. I love the sea’s energy. Life is good.

Journal 15th July 2016

Gratitude

Well today has been a good day. I must have felt better yesterday to have been motivated to write a blog post and then in turn writing always makes me feel good.

So what has caused me to feel better?

Is it because I have been back on the higher dose of my anti-depressants?

Or is it because I have been writing a gratitude diary since Wednesday?

Or is it something else entirely?

I think on Wednesday I may have hit rock bottom. My good friend Katrina Love, who used to be my life coach, recently agreed to start coaching me again. She called on Wednesday and I wailed down the phone.

“I don’t think there’s any point in me seeing you. You can only help someone that helps themselves and I’m not capable of helping myself at the moment”, I cried. “I’ve got no money. I’m going to have to get a job but I can’t face it. I’m going to have to sell my car. Andy’s going to dump me for being so negative.”

Katrina told me that sometimes when you can’t help yourself, someone reaches out their hand and that’s what she was doing for me. She told me not to do anything rash and we made an appointment for me to see her today. She told me that I was in fear and suggested I start a gratitude diary, “You can’t be in fear and in gratitude at the same time”.

She also told me that when the fear reared its ugly head to put my hand on my tummy and say to myself, “Be still” and to tell myself “I can handle it”.

Today I went to see Katrina and we made a plan as follows:

  • I will keep a journal, which will help my healing process and hopefully help others. As I said in yesterday’s journal, I have more time to do that while business is quiet.
  • While business is quiet it’s also an opportunity to really show myself self-love and self-care, mainly by preparing delicious healthy food for myself, exercising, and developing healthy habits, among other things.
  • Write my affirmations, determinations and intentions and read them first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I am in the process of writing a series of blog posts about 2015 – my year of transformation, or I was before I started feeling low again. At the beginning of this year I was feeling awesome and I thought I could take on the world, which is why I decided to reduce my anti-depressants. Since I’ve been feeling low, I have felt like a hypocrite and felt adverse to writing about a transformation that suddenly had a hollow ring to it. Now that I’m feeling better I feel this is just the next part of the transformational process.

Last year’s transformation was partly down to the healing I had with Amanda Hart and the habits that we put in place then (to be covered in more detail in my ‘2015 – Year of Transformation’ series). Unfortunately I have let those habits slip and I am determined to start again. One habit that I have kept up is my Buddhist chanting practice, which is another thing that has been highly transformational for me.

I seem to be in a pattern of repeating the same mistakes and lessons. Sometimes I feel like I’m back to square one but dear friends such as my lovely TFT therapist, Val Chater, remind me of how far I have come.

Katrina, Amanda and Val are just three of numerous amazing women that I have attracted into my life who nurture and inspire me. I feel so blessed to have so many amazing friends.

Incidentally, I came back from my appointment with Katrina feeling inspired and I cooked myself a healthy dinner. After dinner I thought I ‘should’ chant but I didn’t feel like it. I immediately felt like a failure and I could feel the negativity creeping in. My next thought was that I could journal about my feelings and share them on my blog and then I felt motivated to chant as I believe that chanting helps me to access my inner wisdom, courage and compassion and reveal my Buddhahood, which is exactly what I need in my writing.

I hope that some of you are finding my ramblings helpful. I am certainly finding it therapeutic. It seems a little self-indulgent. I feel that if my writing just helps one person I have achieved my goal. A few people have told me that they have found my writing helpful and one person told me it has inspired them to start writing about their own journey.

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